Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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