party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
