I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
