I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize