Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
