how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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