if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
