I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
