im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
