Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
