she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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