I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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