just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Is it because I queefed?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
