I didn't shave. On purpose
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he thought i was a dude.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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