YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
