So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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