he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
