and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
