Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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