wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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