you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
