After last night, I could never be a politician.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
