I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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