nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize