My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
