you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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