I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
