It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
