i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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