She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
