So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
