I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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