What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this boner is exhausting
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
