I faked an abortion last night.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
