I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
