Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
