Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
