Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
