Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
