Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
