...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
