The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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