My friends, they love my intelligence
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
