I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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