the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I need water and some morals
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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