What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't turn off my feet"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
