I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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