new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sober January is a disaster.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
