i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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