at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize