I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
