If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
