what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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