You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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