I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
