My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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