nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The adults are the big ones right?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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