Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
