So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
