Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
