your parents love me but you hate me
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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