I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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