He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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