Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
