I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
