can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
