i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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